Some time ago I decided that I would always be honest with my children. Whatever they asked me about my life, good or bad (come on, nobody’s perfect) I’d always tell them the truth.
Until yesterday, this hasn’t presented too many problems. The worst I’d had to talk about until that point was babies and where they come from. That particular conversation was a bit awkward, but it could have been much worse.
Yesterday’s subject was a little more tricky. On the way home from school, Helen, my oldest daughter, quizzed me about smoking. We’d just driven past a pub and she’d seen a man standing outside puffing on a cigarette and I was asked; “what is the brown and white smoking thing called.”
I told her it was called a “cigarette” and said they made lots of nasty smoke. A barrage of questions followed; why was it nasty? What did it do to your mouth? Why aren’t you allowed to smoke in pubs? Why is smoking bad for you? The questions just kept on coming.
Somewhere along the line I was asked if I had ever smoked. I knew I couldn’t lie so I told her I had and explained that it would be best for her if she were never a smoker.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for me. In my late teens I developed a dreadful nicotine addiction. With the use of nicotine tablets I managed to give up at the age of 23. I’m horrified to admit this, but at my worst I was smoking 40-a-day. Bearing in mind the tender age I gave up, I find my own behaviour really quite shocking.
I was always told as a child that cigarettes were totally off limits. I think this contributed to their allure and as a school kid I thought anyone that smoked was cool.
I just don’t think that approach works, hence why I think honesty is the best policy. It is, however, a bit of a paradox that I find it harder talking to my primary-school aged daughter about smoking than babies and where they come from.
So what are your experiences? How honest have you been with your children about the way you’ve lived your life? Is there anything you would lie about to your children?
Oh, and one final thing. If you happen to see my mother reading this blog post, do me a favour and get her away from the monitor before she reaches the sixth paragraph.
6 thoughts on “How honest are you with your children?”
I think you’re right – it’s harder than talking about sex because the reasons behind sex can be explained, as can the reasons for recommending abstension/ safe sex/ etc etc. But explaining addictive stuff to a child will be tough.
I have never smoked, never tried smoking and never wanted to smoke. Neither has E’s dad. The main reason I never smoked is because my father and grandpa both smoked (my dad gave up when I was 10) and I always thought it was “icky”. The smell and the yellow fingers and the stains on the wall ensured I didn’t want to start, plus a horror video our PSE teacher showed us from his collection of doom that showed a doctor hooking his finger into a smoker’s arm and dredging up a load of fat from the arteries ensured I never touched them. But I’m aware I’m not very cool (never have been) and so I’m not sure how role model-y my non-use will be.
Ah yes, the smell and yellow fingers. I fear that was me, albeit many years ago. I can assure you that is very uncool.
I also think you’re right, the reasons behind sex are much easier to explain than indulging in unhealthy, addictive behaviour. I hadn’t thought of it quite like that before.
I’m not looking forward to this conversation when my girls are older but I think honesty is the best approach. I too smoked for years yet hated it. The power of addiction. The fact that my parents hushed it up def made me want to try it!
I see a consensus here Tom…honesty is definitely the best approach. Simply be honest and accepting smoking is a part of life means it doesn’t seem glamorous. Who wants to copy their parents anyway???
Oh, such a sting! I was outed by a nurse to my daughters (8 and 9), when she was doing my smear. Not only did the pair of horrors INSIST on coming in with me (thank God for curtains), but then the jolly nurse called, ‘Pants off Mrs Lee, and how many ciggies are we smoking these days?’
We decided (like you) that Honesty Is The Best Policy, and I was able to shout ‘None!’
‘Oh, very good – since when?’
Oh, bad, bad. ‘Since last October,’
Cue outraged daughters, and later, tears at bed time from the youngest. ‘I just don’t want you to die, Mummy.’
Later that night, husband and I were playing Let’s Remember.
‘And that awesome night in that club with the weird shedding leopard-skin sofas, and totally out of it, then breakfast, and then we had to go to work…’
We may be reviewing our Honesty policy.
Definitely honestly! I figure when my boys ask me about smoking I’ll be able to tell them from experience why it’s crappy and wastes all your money you could be buying nice things with! But also that if for some reason you do start it can be a very, very hard thing to stop doing because the chemicals in them make your brain want more! Even if you don’t want to! When they go round their nans (she chainsmokes!) they hate the smell, so I’m going to ask them if they want to smell that smell all day!