Us stay at home dads (SAHD) can be a misunderstood group. For whatever reason, we have, just like countless women before us, sacrificed careers to run the household and do the majority of the childcare.
Sometimes we’ve done this voluntarily, sometimes circumstance, be it redundancy, relationship breakdown or some other event, has forced it upon us. I clearly can’t speak for every SAHD on the planet. Even so, I think I can say with confidence that the majority of us we simply want the best for our children and wish to be treated with respect and understanding, just like any mother.
Feeling a little mischievous, I put a message on a Facebook group I’m a member of. It’s a group for UK-based SAHDs. I asked the chaps for any examples of sexist or unthinking comments that had been made to them.
As people came forward and provided me with examples, I couldn’t help thinking; “Oh yeah, that’s happened to me also.” I couldn’t resist adding a few explanatory notes after each example detailing a time when I have faced similar. I did this to show none of the examples was an isolated incident.
Before reading them I have one comment to make. When I talk to people about the issues I face as a SAHD, the response I often get is; “Yes, but most of the time mum looks after the children so you can understand why it happens.” Is that really an acceptable response in this century? I say it isn’t.
Example 1
At the dental hospital for a routine five-year check-up with the cleft team for my son.
Nurse; “Are you still in contact with his mother?”
Me “Yes, I made her a coffee before we left this morning”.
I faced a similar question to this on one occasion. Someone in the playground noted that I always did the school run and asked if I was a single parent. My advice; don’t jump to conclusions.
Example 2
When taking my boy for his one year inoculations, the nurse asked me if I had written permission from his mother. I was seething that day I can you!
I think this has to be my absolute favourite of the examples given. Yet again, I have experienced similar. Having taken my kids for inoculations, the nurse completed the job, asked after my wife and then started physically looking around the room for her. It’s interesting to note the first two examples come from the health sector. I’ll just leave that thought hanging.
Example 3
My car insurance shows our jobs. My wife is a primary school teacher. I’m down as a housewife. Apparently they don’t have househusband as an option.
This opens up two questions; 1) why is there no option for a man to run the household and look after the kids and 2) Is it acceptable to refer to a man or woman as “housewife / househusband” in this day and age? They are horrible phrases.
Oh, and guess what, I had a similar issue with my home insurance provider about a year ago. As I was making a little money from blogging, the call centre agent and I decided I should list my occupation as writer. Bizarrely this lead to a drop in insurance premium!
Example 4
“Are you giving your partner a day off?”
Eurgh, possibly the dreariest, most predictable question any SAHD can face. There are numerous variations of it, the most common variant being; “you must be babysitting.”
Regular readers will be aware of the situation I found myself in shortly after Elizabeth, our youngest child was born. I was bottle-feeding her in a café and a woman came up, lifted her out of my arms and declared to everyone who would listen that I was “babysitting.”
This woman’s adult daughter was with her. She was horrified and declared just as loudly that I was “just being a dad.”
Example 5
My pet peeve is whilst filling out forms; “I see, you’re unemployed.”
Actually no, I have a job!
The conclusion many people jump to when they see a dad with kids is that he’s either unemployed or works from home (trust me, I’ve been asked many a time). I think this particular example shows the low value some people give to those of us running households, be they male or female. It’s a desperate shame such activity isn’t more highly valued.
There are five examples for you to mull over. Are you guilty of using some of them yourself? SAHDs, Can you think of any more? Mums, what comments and phrases do you have to tolerate? You’d be very welcome to leave a comment below.
36 thoughts on “Things you shouldn’t say to a stay at home dad”
No is the time to consider our options.
My wife will go back to work in a few months. So we have to decide what to do.
I personally would like to spend the time with my child. Yet,I also enjoy my job.
Either way. If one of us decide to be stay at home that’s a 50 % pay cut. How do we decide that.
This is when deciding to have children should be recognised as a Job. Paid it’s value
Oh yes, having kids is a massive financial hit. Very best of luck making your decision. I hope it all works out for you. You’re right though, being a stay at home parent isn’t valued like it should be.
I’m a member of the Facebook group, but completely missed this post! Oops! But when I was a single dad and the kids’ mum had moved out (leaving me with the majority of the custody), old ladies waiting at bus stops would ask my kids “is mummy at home today?” I’m standing there thinking to myself “how should they know? They haven’t seen her for a week!” People assuming you’re just ‘babysitting for a few hours’ or something is definitely one of my pet peeves as a SAHD.
I sometimes think there is a bit of a generational thing but, still, making assumptions like that is risky. The babysitting thing is awful….but what makes it worse is some men refer to themselves as babysitting. Their traitors to the cause basically.
Don’t get me started on this one. I was recently told how nice it is for my kids that I take them out when it is my weekend to see them. The lady regretted her question fairly quickly when I pointed out that I was a single parent. However, my biggest dislike is the babysitting comment. I hear it all too often. Dads don’t babysit, we parent…… anyway, rant over, great post.
I can’t believe the example from the healthcare sector! It seems there is still a long way to go.
I’m afraid to say the healthcare sector is the worst. I’ve got numerous examples of where I’e been treated badly or had to tolerate stupid comments from health worker. Oddly, I’ve never had such an experience with education professionals.
Frustrating to say the least – I did laugh at example one though – perfect response!
Oh I laughed at that one too! Thanks for commenting.
I think it’s crazy in this day and age that a professional would expect to see a mum and a dad wouldn’t be considered good enough. I always think it’s shocking when people describe dads looking after their kids as ‘babysitting’. Er – it’s just parenting! It’s what dads are supposed to do.
Yeah, unfortunately the worst examples I could give all come from the healthcare sector. I’ve no idea why – the education sector in comparison is very inclusive. As for the babysitting thing, it is dreadful but sadly some men refer to themselves as babysitting and that’s deeply unhelpful.
Ha! I’ve had a lot of comments over the years. Even as recent as Thursday last week when a dad said loudly in the school yard ” I read your blog and you sound like my wife!”… I in turn said to him “did you learn anything then?”
Good post John! Even this day in age a stay at home dad is still a mind bender for some. One day I hope it isn’t as much of a surprise for them.
“sound like my wife?” What a lucky lady! Slowly but surely being a SAHD must become more acceptable. Although I think it will take a long, long time.
actually that is rather annoying, being described as a house wife or unemployed. however i’m not sure what should ever go in the space, my visa for the past 3 years has read ‘home executive’ maybe you should try that next time you’re asked
Home executive. I like that. I may go with your suggestion in future!
Rev T, who was a stay at home dad until the Tubblet starts school, remembers the looks of suspicion he’d get when he turned up at toddler’s group … The people who ran it knew him well so were able to introduce him and explain things, but why should they have had too?!
He now runs a toddler group at our church. SAHDs are welcomed 🙂
There’s one thing I’ve learned as a SAHD; when meeting someone for the first time in a childcare setting or social setting, you have to say in the first five seconds “I’m a SAHD”. When people hear that you often get treated better. Don’t tell them and you get treated like a second class citizen. Interesting to see how things have gone full circle for your other half.
My husband and I split the childcare and he does two days with our son whilst I work. Many of my colleagues are astounded by this, some have literally asked me ‘how does he cope?!’ Better than me to be honest. How can these women that have fought for equality in the workplace feel comfortable assuming that a man they have never met is inept at taking care of his son?!
I have heard of women being called “monsters” for allowing their OHs to look after the children for an entire day (or similar time span). There’s a long way to go to achieve equality on the domestic front, a long way indeed and that involves women letting go of the reins a bit (though some men need ot buck up their ideas too!).
I work from home and my partner is officially a ‘sahd’ – he faces a lot of these as well. I will probably be working in a school for a few hours a week next year and I can only imagine it will get worse. My own nan (who has some strange thoughts!) was cross when I went away with some friends for a night and left him alone, in charge of the three kids, because ‘a dad shouldn’t be left overnight with the kids’ – WTAF????
Fab post and I’m shocked to hear some of these, I really am, what century are we living in honestly?!?!
I am sick of hearing things like ‘oh it must be so nice to be a kept woman’ or ‘how fabulous to have so much spare time on your hands, what do you do with yourself?’
Infuriating!
X
Ah yes, a few of those comments are thrown my way too believe it or not. Shame some people don’t get what century we are in.
When telling a girl about my wife’s and I’d then arrangement of me spending most of the working week with our son, she said “So you’re playing mother”.
I managed not to swear at her.
“Playing mother?” Nice. How about just being a father? Honestly, some people.
Pingback: Planting the seeds… | You can lead a body to motherhood…
I’m not saying it’s all the time, but a lot of the time it seems to be the older generation saying these things doesn’t it? I guess it’s kind of today’s equivalent of the old Alf Garnett commonplace racist comments back in the 70s – things which no one would dream of saying in the 21st century – hopefully that will be the case for casual gender discrimination either way within another generation.
I think there is a bit of a generational thing going on here, yes. I think you have to be a bit more liberal about older people’s views but the examples I gave and could give from the healthcare sector generally involve young staff.
Ha ha the first one made me laugh – what a great response 🙂 my husband hasn’t had to deal with too much of this but every once in a while there are thing tha do make him seethe. It is ridiculous, dads are just as much parents as mums too but some people have trouble understanding it
Yes, I did laugh when I read that one also! Alas, dads aren’t seen as equal parents and this is a shame.
Urgh, how freakin’ frustrating. Have you read ‘Lean In’? I devoured it in a sitting, and am now re-reading- a whole chapter is dedicated to how men should lean in at home more to enable women to lean in at work and to set examples to their kids-also outlines how important it is for women (and men) to have equality in the home and workplace, that the more men are given the chance to have equal say/participation in the home, the easier it will be for all. I hate the assumptions that you cannot have a shared role in family life or that you don’t work, are giving your partner a day off and all manners of stereotyped twaddle. Real equality will mean an end to all this. Being a Say at Home Dad must be naturalised, only then will either sex have equality. John, you know I admire you, you are a wonderful father and writer, and I am saddened that you and others are privy to such small mindedness, things are changing and you are all leading the way. Thank you
I haven’t read Lean In but I think I should. The chapter you mention sounds intriguing. One of the things that frustrates me about the equlaities movement is a huge and active movement calling for women to be treated equally in the workplace but very little noise about opening up the domestic sphere to men. Men have a large part to play in demanding those equal rights, but women must ‘lean out’ as you say to make it happen. Thanks for your very kind words too Vicki! Always a pleasure to have you comment on the blog.
It’s amazing how outdated the comments people still trot out can be. Even as a working dad, I’ve had some similar comments myself. There have been times when I have taken time off during school holidays to spend time with some combination of the kids and I have been eyed with suspicion by the mums in Costa or been patronised in the supermarket with something along the lines of “Oh, aren’t you doing well?” (No, I’m doing what I’ve done consistently for 8 years. I can change a nappy too without passing up, you know. It’s not something I expect a prize for. It’s not even that unusual.)
Sadly, I’ve even had similar looks from men. You’d think we’d be better at showing some solidarity but I’ve caught the judgemental looks that assume you must be either unemployed or completely under the thumb. Sigh.
Very good point Tim, it isn’t just us SAHDs who have to tolerate these comments. Very good point you make about other guys giving you similar looks or commenting. I’ve known that happen also and it is very sad. They are letting the side down.
I don’t like checking ‘unemployed’ on those forms either (I’m a stay-at-home mom.) Yes, I am employed. I’m a daycare provider, and I hired myself!
Oh yes, I can imagine SAHMs and SAHDs have many of the same (or similar) gripes. I totally see why this would annoy you.
Luckily I don’t get the unemployed comment, as I am a SAHD dad that runs two businesses from home. Even if I didn’t run my businesses I think I would lie, just to make myself feel better.