For the first time in my life I have been called a “househusband”. I found it a horrible experience and it left me feeling enormous sympathy for women who, for generations, have had to tolerate being referred to as housewives.
I’m sure many people are perfectly happy with both phrases. I, however, don’t like the idea. It suggests I’m married to a piece of real estate. Humans marry humans, not houses.
This scenario came up in a slightly odd, not to mention expensive, way. I’d called our car insurance company to check on a minor detail. While on the phone the operator took the opportunity to check a few details and asked about my occupation.
Regular readers of this blog will know that until recently I worked part time. I continue to do some freelance work but I have no employer. I foolishly told the operator I wasn’t employed and so she asked if I was a “househusband”. I muttered something along the lines of; “Well, I guess you could say that.”
Before you know it, my insurance premium had increased and I was hit with an admin fee because the policy had to be updated. Having worked in the financial services sector I have some sympathy with the increase in the premium. The admin fee and horrendous description of my alleged occupation, however, have done it for this insurer. Once the policy lapses I’ll be walking with my wallet.
Anyway, the updated insurance document arrived in the mail. Sure enough my occupation, was listed as “househusband.”
I tend to refer to myself as a stay at home dad when asked what I do. I know being described this way bothers some people, but surely househusband / wife went out style years ago? Yes, I spend an enormous amount of time keeping the house in order. My priority, however, is the children so really the phrase is all wrong as it doesn’t represent how I divide my time.
Homemaker is a word I’ve actually come to like. It took me a long time to come around to it, but at least it suggests something positive and pleasant.
Ironically I had to dodge a similar bullet again just yesterday. I’d called the police to report a crime. It was nothing major, someone had got into our car (it was possibly left unlocked, we’re not too sure) and riffled through everything overnight. The one thing that appears to have been stolen? An iPhone charger cable! Bearing in mind the messy state of the car it’s amazing they found anything to take.
As we neared the end of the call, the operator took down some details. I was asked about my occupation. I said I was a “stay at home dad.”
The operator laughed. “I guess we can’t put you down as a housewife then?” she said.
“I could try being a housewife, but I wouldn’t be very good at it,” was my response.
As most of my freelance work involves writing, I told her it might be best if she mark me down as a writer. That’s how we left things; on this crime report I am officially a writer.
So tell me, what are you? Are you happy to be a housewife / househusband? Do you prefer to be called a homemaker? Maybe you use some other phrase. Please leave a comment with your thoughts.
Photo credit: David Wright. Reproduced under Creative Commons Agreement 2.0. For more information and a link to the agreement, please see my Disclosure page.
16 thoughts on “I am not a househusband”
I think you’re right, the phrase is outdated and it definitely needs a revamp. I feel uncomfortable when I’m discussing financial matters and the organisation describes my wife as a housewife. It conjures up images of a woman who has nothing to do but sit in the house all day and watch day time TV drinking ‘just the one’ glass of wine. I feel it undermines what my wife does for us and for the home. I like the term homemaker, but feel it doesn’t do her enough justice either, because it sounds a little like a housekeeper. I really like Stay at Home Mum/Dad, because it doesn’t define your day to day activity, it says a small part of who you are not ring fence what you do.
Oh to have the time to sit around watching daytime TV and drink wine! I’m sure some people do it but not me. I think in your case you have the added pressure of being a military man. Your wife must work wonders as and when you’re away from home for lengthy periods of time. It cannot be easy being a military spouse and I get what you mean; housewife / homemaker probably doesn’t cut it at all.
I’m having a similar dilemma.
Next week both my two will be in school full-time. Will I still be a stay-at-home dad?
Next year, between school runs, I’ll be studying part-time and hopefully picking up odd bits of work. In the meantime have I become a house-husband?
I like the stay-at-home dad title. It suggests my primary responsibility is caring for my children, which remains true.
I really don’t like house-husband. Even homemaker grates on me a little.
So I think I’m sticking with stay-at-home dad until I’m told otherwise.
As an aside, a lady in my local supermarket also asked me if I was a writer because “I looked like one”?
Reading between the lines I took it she was saying I looked dishevelled and never appeared to be working, but I’ll take aspiring author over house-husband every day of the week!
I think you cal definitely call yourself a stay at home dad when your kids are at school. You will, after all, still be the one getting them up each morning and collecting them at the end of each day.
How very odd to be told you look like a writer. I hope you don’t look anything like Martin Amis.
People do like to stick everyone into a convenient ‘hole’ don’t they?
Have you ever visited somewhere online (our local council is one of them) where the drop-down box of occupations doesn’t even match anything you do?
It really is like they’re all still stuck in the 1950s.
I suggest you call yourself anything you like: Child wrangler. Household management operative. King of Everything 😉
Thanks Tara. I was thinking I might call myself Mr Beeton. ‘Though I doubt that appears in any drop down menus.
I think it just shows you…language is not neutral. All naming of things or people is a political act. This is something feminist writers have been pointing to for years. I suspect that even when God asked Adam to name the animals in the Garden of Eden, Eve later thought “How come he got to name everything? Platypus? Really Adam, Platypus?”
Its not nice to be labelled. It invites us into all kinds of positions we may be uncomfortable with. I suspect I would like to be “The bearded One!” in the dropdown menu 🙂
Gerhard
Well, Bearded One, thanks for your comment. You’re absolutely right, language is not neutral and feminists have been quite right to pick up on this fact. I think us men have been somewhat on the back foot with this one. We need to recognise what the women did years ago and be much more careful about how we use language.
Good article and you raise some interesting points. I’ve worked from home for the last year and a bit, mainly as a freelance footy and betting writer. Since the missus got pregnant, and now has given birth, the idea has always been for her to return to work and for me to be the stay at home dad whilst doing a bit of freelance writing on the side (both footy and dad blog). I often find myself not sure what to say I do – for a long time I considered myself unemployed and attempting to be a writer. Then once I started getting income, I called myself a writer. But now I’m fulfilling stay at home dad duties (albeit whilst the missus is still on mat leave), I again am a bit lost as to whether I’m a writer or stay at home dad. I think this is something I’ll continue to figure out, and like your case, my answer will probably be different depending on who I talk to!
Thanks for stopping by Dave. Good luck identifying what you are. My response will differ depending on who I am talking to and how the question was posed. Enjoy your wife’s mat leave, it’s a magical time.
Oh, what an interesting post and it raises the issue of people wanting to define us by what we do as opposed to what we are. And how do you define what we do? When being at home, managing the children, the household and everything that comes with it (family finances, social lives of the little ones etc) is so very important and cannot really but put in one single box. It also goes the other way, if you work you’re defined by your profession whereas actually (especially for single or working parents) you’re everything! HouseHusband/Wfe to me suggests something out of the 1950s – and certainly a title I would steer clear of. I’ve also been told that my husband was “head of the family” as I was the one at home – such archaic language so degrading. In fact, I try and stay clear of giving myself a title and define myself by what I am doing that day. Of course that’s rather impossible for institutions, so at a push HomeMaker is probably the best of the bunch! Great Post! #bloglovin
Ah yes, the old “head of the family” thing. Oddly, my eldest will occasionally refer to me as “the boss of the family.” I guess this is because she spends most time with me but my wife, understandably, isn’t keen on her expressing this view. Thanks for commenting.
Ah progress
17 years ago when my daughter was born and I was a stay-at-home-dad they only had “housewife” so my car insurance documents came to Mr Poole, housewife!
I’ve had the same feelings of unease around my ‘job title’ and the legacy of ‘housewife’.
I’ve been playing with Homesmith. Kind of joking but not really joking. I like it. I’m Paul, I’m a dad and a husband and I run our home. I don’t know that I need a label but as you say in one of your comments, the drop down menus do.
My name is a jack and I am 37 years old. I can’t forget this moment when my wife Lisa calls me househusband. When she calls me these words i am totally hanging on the spot. (surprising moment). Overall the house tips that you have mentioned in this post really good. Some point out some tips.
Thank you Jack for your comment. I’m glad you liked the points I mentioned in the post.